The School of Hard Knocks and Navigating Senior Care

The gems I heard this week

I've talked before about the guilt-laden, judgemental comments to caregivers who are making difficult choices, especially when their loved one's cognitive decline is escalating.

These are the gems I've heard this week:

• Why aren't YOU taking time off work to look after your loved one?
• YOU should use their money to get them more care at home.
• YOU should save money so you can afford more home care.
• Why are YOU putting your loved one in long term care when you should look after them at home?

I wonder what makes these folks so judgemental: Do they not have jobs and families and other responsibilities they are trying to manage? Are they more capable than I am? Are they wealthy or do they live somewhere way more affordable than Vancouver, where taking time off to become their parent or loved one's number one person is financially possible?

Whatever the reason, these comments come without an understanding of the full picture. And when you're already trying to make difficult decisions, being told what YOU should be doing can add guilt and frustration to an already overwhelming situation.

Sometimes you need to be able to say, "This is unfair. This is exhausting. I am angry about it," without someone immediately telling you what you should be doing differently. You can love someone deeply and still find the experience of managing their life incredibly difficult.

Nobody teaches you this

Managing someone else's life isn't a life skill we are taught in school or somehow magically absorb through adulthood. We don't learn how to coordinate medical systems, monitor cognitive decline, manage someone else's finances, navigate care waitlists, de-escalate emotional reactions, or make decisions for another adult while trying to preserve their dignity. Yet we are expected to figure it out in real time, often while still working, parenting, and managing our own households.

Yes, you might have transferable skills from your education or experience, but many of these go out the window when you are in care management mode. It's the frog in the boiling water: you're in it, and then suddenly you realise you're over your head. If it's a parent you are helping, the water boils faster because they know how to push your buttons. And they do.

Even if you earn your first hard-won "Masters in Real Senior Problems", your other grandparent or parent or chosen family member will have a completely different set of issues. It's exhausting thinking about it. Sometimes I wonder if my generation will finish caring for the baby boomers before we need caregivers ourselves.

Bigger than one family

The problem is bigger than individual families. The hospitals and health authorities themselves are struggling to keep up. The BC Seniors Advocate is clear: the challenges facing older adults and the people supporting them are happening across the province.¹ Even when you want to provide compassionate care for a parent, friend or grandparent, it's hard to see how the responsibilities quietly snowball into something completely unmanageable.

That's why I advocate for more access to resources for people supporting older adults.

Resources that help

Yes, some solutions cost money: outside help, meal delivery, technology that helps monitor household systems. Others are free or low cost: community support groups, Meals on Wheels, proactively gathering information before you urgently need it.

Sometimes, the most valuable resources are the people around you. You might need practical information or help figuring out the next step. You might want to talk honestly with other caregivers who understand what this actually feels like. Sometimes you just need to vent without being judged, having your choices questioned, or being handed another list of things you should be doing.

Ways I can help

Here are some ways I can help:

• Book a one-to-one guidance session to think ahead about caregiving, work through a current situation, or identify practical next steps.
• Connect about specific needs. For example, my Low-Tech to High-Tech session introduces tools that can help you manage a loved one's home remotely and identify ways to improve safety.
• Join our South Vancouver Caregiver Café, where people supporting older adults can meet in person, share experiences, exchange ideas and learn from one another.

Earning the degree while sitting the exam

Caregiving isn't just love. It's coordination, decision-making, emotional regulation, logistics, advocacy, and endurance, all layered on top of regular life. Most of us are earning a degree from the Senior School of Hard Knocks while we're already sitting the exam.

When you're looking for resources, please reach out to me or to other people or organisations working in this space. I particularly recommend Family Caregivers of BC and their free caregiver support line: 1-877-520-3267.²